Sunday, 6 May 2012

The Further Adventures of Musicians in Horror


Now, you may be asking, the Further Adventures, Jinx? Where are the initial adventures of these musicians in horror? And you'd be right to ask. They're here: Caliban's Revenge, in an utterly marvellous guest post I did a little while ago. It's marvellous, really top notch, you should check it out. Say hi to gorgeous Prospero while you're there 'cos he's great.


Henry Rollins, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)



Henry Rollins is awesome. I don’t even particularly feel like I have to justify this, you just need to look at any given Rollins biography to get a sense of his awesomeness: Singer-songwriter, spoken word artist, writer, activist, comedian, publisher, actor, and radio DJ. He’s awesome. He’s also kindly contributed to the horror genre which makes me very happy.

Wrong Turn 2 takes the format of a post-apocalyptic Survivor type reality show, with added inbred hillbilly cannibals.

Henry Rollins stars as Col. Dale Murphy, host of the show and in a somewhat surprising turn of events he is captured by the hungry hillbillies early on in the film. However, once released into the wild, which, from the evidence presented, I can only assume to be his natural habitat, Rollins proceeds to go all Rambo on some killer hillbilly arse. He plays them at their own game using all his military skills, in fine style he stalks them, traps them brutally kills them and yells a lot. I genuinely believe that the movie’s ultimate showdown is exactly WRWD (What Rollins Would Do).

It’s my personal hypothesis that Henry went into this movie believing it to be a documentary, they just let him go a pointed a camera at him. He is that badass.



Tiffany, Necrosis (2009)



Flame haired temptress Tiffany ruled the charts and America’s malls during the 80s. She is most notable for her smash hit cover "I Think We're Alone Now" which became an anthem for misunderstood teens everywhere. Although I would personally argue that its more notable for becoming an anthem to people old enough to know better who found a twelve inch extended version in a charity shop during the summer of 2002 and consequently spent much of the rest of that summer dancing a grubby flat to it, a persistent hobby only interrupted briefly when it became imperative that we learn the entirety of Torvill and Dean’s Boléro via the medium of YouTube. It was a long boring summer.

Tiffany blessed us with music, but recently she has also blessed us with her contributions to horror. Tiffany’s horror debut was in the 2009 film Necrosis. It’s not great.

Six friends, one of them Tiffany, arrive at an isolated cabin to enjoy a long weekend of fun and frolics in the snow. An epic snowstorm interrupts their mini break, trapping them on the mountain and somehow resurrecting the angry ghosts of the Donner Party.

Necrosis is distasteful on many levels not least for its appalling interpretation of what happened to the tragic Donner Party, but it does contain one of my favourite bad moments in film history: people sat at table by a window discussing how terrible and savage the storm is and how they’ll never get off the mountain all to a backdrop of perfect blue untroubled sky. Genius. I watched it three times.

Tiffany also starred in MegaPiranha which helpfully warned us of the previously undocumented explosive nature of leaping piranhas.



LL Cool J, Deep Blue Sea (1999)



LL Cool J is not just a man with a massively optimistic and conceitedly self-assured stage name he is also not a man to limit himself. LL Cool J has had many lives; rapper, actor, entrepreneur, NCIS Special Agent and shark killer. He also, apparently, has many names; James Todd Smith, L.L. Cool J, Ladies Love Cool James, Luv, Cool J, LL, The G.O.A.T., Jack the Ripper, Mr. Smith, Uncle LL. This seems excessive, I shall call him LL. But really he will always be known to me as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley.

 I have a problem with Deep Blue Sea, that problem is I can’t not watch it, if it’s on I can’t go past it or turn it off. This became particularly problematic lately when ITV apparently bought it and it was on one of their many channels almost constantly, my husband had to stage an intervention.

On a remote research facility in the middle of the ocean scientists try to cure Alzheimer’s by experimenting on the brain make up of Mako sharks. Unsurprisingly this ends in tears before bedtime.

LL Cool J plays Sherman "Preacher" Dudley the facility’s chef, he cooks, cracks wise, bickers with his buddy the parrot and struggles valiantly to remain in God’s good graces. He is also responsible for the majority of the shark killing.



Honourable Mentions

Busta Rhymes, Halloween Resurrection, (2002) – takes on Michael Myers and Tyra Banks

Kiss, Kiss Meet the Phantom of the Park (1978) – Genius.

David Bowie, The Hunger (1983) – he’s Bowie, nothing more needs to be said.


Dishonourable Mention

 Jon Bon Jovi, Cry_Wolf, (2005) – I’ve an irrational dislike for JBJ and all he stands for. He seems, in later years, to have developed a curious and unrelenting talent for making everything MOR which probably explains my distaste.

8 comments:

  1. I have always been curiously attracted to Cool James and was so happy that he lived at the end of that awesomely bad movie.

    Thanks for the shout-out, Luv!

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  2. Hey, lovely. There is something distinctly loveable about Mr. Cool J, and he is insistant that he is to be loved. I kind of just want to give him a hug and a cup of tea, especially when I'm watching Deep Blue Sea and he's all dishevelled and soggy. I'm a massive weirdo.
    By the way, Hairspray looked amazing. I've been lurking (again - massive weirdo). x

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  3. I've seen Tiffany naked. Mind you, so have about 3 million other people who Googled her nudie pics so I'm not that special.

    While I'm here... check out Jawsfest - http://www.jawstribute.com - 'cos I know you like sharks.

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  4. I'd heard that Wrong Turn 2 was maybe kinda not so bad, and I was maybe kinda thinking about seeing it. But now it's settled. Rollins can do no wrong in my eyes, and I don't even particularly like his music.

    Plus, he actually came to Bozeman, Montana and did a spoken word performance. It was predictably great. Should have brought a recording device...

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  5. I wasn't aware of Rollin's role in WT2, but it sounds fantastic! I will DEFINITELY check that out. It sounds like all kinds of win!!

    I have to say, I would include Busta Rhymes with JBJ in the "Dishonorable Mention" category. Oh, he's a fine enough rapper, but he deserves to be shot for acting in the cinematic abortion that is Halloween: Resurrection! Not only is he a truly awful actor (performers in porn movies look down on his thespian skills), he also delivers the WORST moment in the entire Halloween film series: his kung fu fight with Michael Myers! add in the fact that he delivers the single most gawd-awful one-liner in the history of horror films "Trick or Treat, muthafucka", and I wanted his head on a platter. I never thought that any Halloween film could be worse than the mess that was Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, but oh how wrong I was proved to be!

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  6. Tiffany is really gorgeous!

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  7. I thought Rollins was pretty bad in WRONG TURN 2, but he managed to redeem that just by being Henry Rollins. Cool J was pretty cool (heh). I felt legitimately sad when his parrot got eaten.

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